It is beyond the mid afternoon hour. I am sitting against a high pile of pillows of differing styles and sizes, on my bed.
Earlier I visited with Mr FD in his hospital room. I drove through the McDonald’s drive though to buy him a large flat white, one sugar, to relieve the boredom of his day trapped in rehabilitation. Sunday, a day of rest and no physiotherapy for Mr FD, just a lost day in nothingness.
Homeward bound, I listened to the Book Show on RN radio. It is probably not called the Book Show, it probably has some snappy, witty, intellectual name to brand it, but to me it is the Book Show, and so it will remain. There was a woman being interviewed who indulges in roof walking. I guess it is one way to get your big jollies. The interviewer made a comment about roof walking bringing to mind a lot of self indulgent, rich, bored, Oxford twits of another era, and I found myself nodding in agreement. That said, she was enchanting to listen too.
Before that, there was a music show. A female, English acapella group sang their version of Bridge Over Troubled Waters. My heart skipped a beat, then two, as memories of teenage years and the depth of my enduring love for the song filled my emotions. It is the song I wish played at my funeral. I want it to be my last message on earth to those I love. I hope too, that it is how I will have lived my life.
A sunny Sunday afternoon, and yet I also felt myself plunged instantly into a dark hole. Too many years of running on empty, especially the last three. I am depleted. I have no reserves left. Every morning I wake with just enough to get through another day. I need the night to make it into the next day. But, every day is taking a little more from me, and each night delivering a little less than I need.
I wish for another world, parallel to this perhaps, where I could live an existence of quiet solitude, seeking adventure when I chose. Great adventures with happy endings, and warm cups of tea. But, life it not like that is it? Be careful what you wish for, comes into my head, but my wishing remains undaunted.
Perhaps a long winter’s nap is what I need. To lay my head down upon the cool, white cotton on my pillows and to enter a nowhere, nothing realm for an hour or two. To rise again another day…